ER trip

It has been a rough and very painful week. And today is Sonny & my one year anniversary. So of course I ended up needing to go to the ER for some pain management after a slight slip (not fall) on some ice getting out of his truck. It was horribly painful, and I tried for hours to simply ignore it and hope that it would go away, but it was a major spike of my flare-up. Today was the first time I had allowed Lupus to completely defeat me. It finally beat me down hard enough to land me in the ER for drugs. Any other Lupie I've talked to is on medications for controlling their symptoms and flare-ups. I find it hard to believe that I am strong enough to have kept myself mentally separated from the pain as long as I have. Its been 14 months since I first started experiencing unbelievable pains from my health problems. I had always thought that I have a high tolerance for pain...but this is a whole new level of chronic pain I never thought would get thrown my way. Growing up, I witnessed chronic pain tear apart my second mom Ina. She popped pain pills like tic tacs at times. I comforted her often when the pain was so severe that all she could do was cry and rock back and forth praying for death. I never thought I'd have to experience that kind of pain. I'd been through a lot of very bad pains bc of various other health issues, but nothing; absolutely nothing compares to what Lupus has brought into my life. Last night I was fighting back tears, had dry heaves, was rocking back and forth; my whole body shaking from pain....and yes, I was praying for death.
The morphine and Torb helped minutely, and the anti-emetic helped calm my stomach. I was sent home with an RX for percocet and Skelaxin (bc Flexeril doesn't work near as well for relaxing my muscles). Sonny has helped me realize that I can't keep digging at the bottom of the drawer and borrowing future spoons; it will only lead to my body inevitably hurting itself worse. Looks like I'll be spending most of the next 3-4 weeks in bed and only doing as much as my body will allow me to. It warms my heart to know that I have someone so loving, caring, supportive and understanding in my life when its truly needed. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. And, he said he'll have to do the housechores that I can't handle while my body catches up on the resting that it so dearly needs.
I'm certain that I am going to get extremely bored in the next few weeks. But I also know that I really do need to start listening to my body more. I cannot keep thinking that I'll ever return to being the person I once was. This is me...and like it or not, I have to live this way now. It took him saying it for me to realize that he loves me despite the Lupus. He knows most (if not all) of my limitations. He understands that I'll have more spoons on certain days, and way less on others. He knows there will be times that I will just have to lay in bed for a few days to rest so my body can rejuvenate itself.
I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect soulmate and partner than what I've found in Sonny. He is absolutely wonderful to say the very least. Haha....inside joke here, but I have to add: What's the very most? The most; well, he's is everything and more, he is by far the most stand-up man I've ever met. He's a wonderful single dad (who has custody) who would do anything in the world for me. He's my imperfectly perfect other half. And I love him so very much for getting me through the toughest year (and also the best year thus far) of my life. God may have given me Lupus, but he also gave me Sonny at the same time. He knew what he was doing. And I'm so glad that I have Sonny in my life. There are so many wonderful reasons for me to be in his life also. Not only for him, but for his awesome 9yr old son. Clay is such a great kid. I've grown to love him as though he were my own. I feel very protective over him, and I couldn't bear to see him hurt. And it makes me happy to know that although I cannot have children; I still do in a way have a son (in the near future).