Winter blues

I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the fatigue. I'm tired of the worsening depression. I'm tired of just about everything. I'm so ready to get better and not be "the shell of the former me". I know that I have to re-invent myself since I'll never be the "old me" again. So, it's been quite a long resigning process for that. I still don't want to concede to the fact that I'll never be me again. I miss the lively healthy person I once was. Lupus has changed my life forever; and the only say I have in any of it is how I react to all of it. It's been so easy to just let Lupus defeat me, beat me down and take my body prisoner. Once I get on medicine for the Lupus and other issues, it won't be so easy for Lupus to do all those things. I am stronger than I think I am. I am a fighter and survivor. I may not have wanted Lupus, but now that I have to deal with it the rest of my life; I'm sure as hell going to show it whose really the boss in this body of mine.
I'm through with not knowing which way to turn. I'll just turn around and around until I find right way to go. It may be dizzying, but I will not let this get me down. With brain fog so thick, thinking is not always the easiest. I'll have to let instinct take over. My body still has a "self-preservation mode" in here somewhere. My body will fight to survive no matter how many wrong steps I take to get to a good destination. And yeah, I know this is a lot of random babble, but that's just the way it all feels right now. My brain is a locomotive; 5 miles long and chock full of randomness that will not cease. It's all jumbled up and floating out at infrequent intervals that cannot be controlled. As I like to call it "ADOB - Attention Deficit, Oooooh Butterfly".
Last Thursday Sonny took me out to dinner at Red Lobster for a combo celebration of sorts. Our anniversary was the 3rd, my birthday was the 4th, and then Valentine's Day was yesterday. We had both wanted desperately to go to this little Seafood Restaurant near our house, but we didn't realize they had changed their hours and were now closed every Thursday (despite the blinking sign on their lot saying 'Thursdays 2-10pm'. But, it was a great relaxing evening with my wonderful boyfriend.
Yesterday we ended up going to The Buttersburg Inn here in town to have an early dinner because neither of us could decide what we wanted from the pizza place for delivery. It was my first trip to the Inn, and I have to say that it was absolutely amazing. The food was great, the staff was awesome...and we had a great time all around.