Friday, March 18, 2011

It's Kicking My Ass

So, as the pain and symptoms are worsening instead of improving I'm finding myself trying harder to accept the reality of my situation. I have horrible diseases/illnesses that are wreaking havoc on my body and there's not a thing I can do to stop it. My hands are tied at this point. My right arm and hand are getting harder to move (feels very very heavy), and my left knee is giving me problems now. I feel like I'm going to fall apart.
How does one go about accepting all this? How can I look at myself and still see me in here somewhere? Amidst the scars, the pain, the tears and the frown...
My request to my body is simple. Please just behave until the medical insurance card gets here and I get to the doctor for some medication. That's a simple request. But my body isn't allowing it. Not in the least. If anything it has amped up the pain and fatigue to new levels of hell I never thought existed. Every breath is a chore. I can't lay down, I can't sit up...I'm just screwed. So I'll just sit here at the computer and wait for my body to  give in or give up to the pain and the fatigue.
All I hope to accomplish today is getting my bath, shaving my legs, taking a long nap and going out tonight to enjoy time with friends at the Rock Band party DM is having at his house.
I can't keep pushing myself this hard forever though. And I do get tons of rest. So why do I not feel any better ever? I can barely see through the fog around me in my sick lupie life. I can't think straight through it either. I'm just lost in here. It's horrible.
If I can't see me anymore, does that mean that other people can't see me in here anymore also? I hope that's not the case. I'm going to fight this with all I've got. I have to find my way out of here. I just have to!

2 comments:

  1. It's the harder part of those illness: learn what you can or can't do. Don't push yourself too hard.
    In time you will learn what you can or not do, medication will help you, you will have to test, find the good one, the correct dosage. Don't depressed, it will not be that bad every day !

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  2. That's the biggest problem I'm having right now. I'm trying to bring myself towards acceptance, yet I keep pushing myself way past my known limits bc I don't want to miss out on life.
    It's a vicious cycle that just kicks my ass.

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