Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Wanted: Spoons; lots of spoons

Ever tried to force yourself past the pain and fatigue? I do every day. I know I shouldn't, but still I do it. And the consequences are fierce enough to scare any wild animal away...not Lupus though. That's a whole different breed of wild and crazy.
My lupus and fibromyalgia are untreated since I don't have any insurance. My pain gets so bad that my body trembles and I vomit. Not a pretty sight, trust me. I cannot get comfortable on the couch or in bed. I lay awake for hours on end waiting for my body to give up and go to sleep. It's hard to stay strong when the beast within (lupus) is just so much stronger than I can even try to be.
I know that I have no control over where my life path leads me; but I cannot imagine ever being mad or angry with God for my having lupus. I'm wondering though, Should I thank Him for it? I mean, I'm not thankful for being this sick, or being in this much constant pain, or even in this much financial demise from being disabled...but I'm thankful for being alive. It's no wonder I have so much mis-guided anger...I cannot blame God for this, but who do I yell at for it? Where can I lay the fault of this horrid disease? Lupus is: my body attacking itself...plain and simple. Can I be mad at myself? It's not like I wanted this; because I most certainly never wanted to have any health problems, let alone one that I can't even comprehend the magnitudes of pain and suffering it has reached in me.
My left jaw joint has been killing me for over 2 weeks. My neck glands are swollen. My shoulders are beyond pained. My hips are in such burning hellish pain that I can't begin to describe it. My chest feels like there's an elephant sitting on me, and it's making it so hard to breathe regularly. My neck is so tired and sore. My shoulder blades feel like they are being sliced. My thighs have hot irons running through them. I can barely feel my fingers. My biceps have vice grips on them. My calves are being drilled into the bones. When does it stop? Where does it end?

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