Monday, March 7, 2011

A life sentence

I never asked for an auto-immune disease. I never wanted to live my life as a sick person who can barely move or function. I really just want to be me again.
Last night Sonny and I drove for an hour just so I could have my first Sonic experience. And it was delicious!! We had the discussion over times we've had bad restaurant experiences. I relived some of the times where I was completely dissatisfied with the meal and the waiter/waitress argued with me, causing me to make a scene over the under cooked meal, etc. Things like that don't matter to me any more. Even if my food experience at Sonic had been awful, I wouldn't have said a thing. Why?? do you ask... Well, it's simple actually. I got out of the house. I spent an hour (two counting the return trip) on an adventure with my boyfriend talking and laughing. I did something. No matter the temperature of the food or how it tasted, it was a wonderful evening. I was not going to let my pain interfere, so why should an attitude ruin it?
I'm a lot more mellow than I used to be. I was always easy-going, but I was very out going too! Now I'm just stuck in this hell called Lupus for the rest of my life. Fibromyalgia alone would've been far more than enough, but nope...I got that and then some.
I just keep counting the spoons and the days until I get some medical coverage and am able to get myself on track with feeling half-way normal again. No, I'll never be the person I once was. But, building a new life isn't something I can do while I'm still going through so much. So, I just keep pushing myself way beyond my spoon rations and paying for it. I'm still not ready to give up my old life because I never wanted this new one.

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